The Monkey who would be King
A Fairie-Tale by Suzanne MacNevin & Charles Moffat

Once upon a time in the land of Nod there was an election to see who would be King. There was two possible candidates: The friend of the former king, or the son of an even older former king. What was funny about it is that the son of the older former king was not a man.

He was a monkey named George. He was curious little monkey.

Half of the people thought George was a cute little monkey, and voted for him.

The other half voted for the King's friend, Whatshisname.

After the voting was done they discovered that they still couldn't figure out who was King. Some people thought Whatshisname had won, others thought that the monkey had won.

Finally it was determined that in the Land of Oranges, the Monkey's brother Ed (who also was a Monkey) had somehow messed up the voting machines by tossing a banana into the machine. Some of the people didn't even get to vote (particularly those people who wanted to vote for Whatshisname).

Eventually it came down to the lawyers. Some of the lawyers proclaimed: "The Monkey is King!"

Other lawyers laughed and said: "He can't be King! He's just a monkey!"

"Well it says right here on the voting documents that he's King."

"Where? It doesn't say that at all. It says Whatshisname should be King."

And so the lawyers argued back and forth. Whatshisname demanded a recount, which according to the rules was allowed, but the lawyers who liked the monkey said "No! You can't have a recount! We want the monkey to be King!"

Finally it was decided to let the Court of Idiots choose who would be King. This had never been done before, and indeed wasn't even legal because the Court of Idiots had been originally hired by the Monkey's father.

Thus, the monkey was made King.

Two months later and several "Whoops" later, the people of Nod were scratching their heads with one hand and scratching their sides with the other, going: "Omigod, I can't believe we elected the monkey King."

Only in the land of Nod could a monkey be elected King. In most other lands, IQ tests were required and people would never even think of voting for a monkey.

Nine months after the election of the King was finalized, people were starting to think "Lets get rid of this stupid monkey! He's making nothing but mistakes!"

But then on the ninth month, on the eleventh day something horrible happened.

Four planes carrying bananas crashed. One crashed into the land of Nod's tallest building, a second crashed into the land of Nod's second tallest building and a third crashed into the land of Nod's weirdest-looking building (but nobody really cared about it). The last plane was shot down before it could crash into the Big White Building.

After the dust settled, the monkey made an appearance. He hugged some firemen. He stood on top of the rubble, trying to look majestic. He ate some of the bananas.

The people immediately responded to the horrific scene and the cute little monkey. "Awwww, he's so cute hugging that fireman's leg!"

Afterwards the monkey made a speech, sort-of. He stood on the podium and raised his banana in the air and waved it around a couple of times.

All the King's men and all the King's women proclaimed that this was the monkey's way of telling the people that we should attack the land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit.

"Why do we need to attack them?" asked the people.

"Isn't it obvious? We need to take away their bananas!"

"Their bananas?"

"Yes, their bananas! The King wants all of their bananas! When we're done attacking them, he's going to build a pipeline across their land so that we can transport all of their bananas to the Big White Building!"

"Oh..." said the people, not sure what the land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit had to do with all this.

Then all the King's men and all the King's women held up a picture of Yosemite Sam, which said "WANTED!" on the bottom. "This is the man responsible for the Great Banana Attack on the ninth month, eleventh day! We must capture and kill this man!"

"Yeah..." said the people, not really sure.

Several days later there was a protest, millions of people out on the streets of Nod with signs that said "We don't want no bananas! We don't want no thought-control!"

That last part was a new law that all the King's men and all the King's women had thought up: A new law, called "The Thought Control I-Love-My-Flag Act", which said that if you don't love your flag, the Great Monkey will use thought control on you until you do!

Quite a few people didn't like this idea, even though they loved the flag anyway. The problem was that they didn't believe in thought control. In their minds, thought control should be illegal.

Which is a little funny, because the people who invented the "The Thought Control I-Love-My-Flag Act" were also the same people who don't like the "Birth Control Act" but we're totally in favour of the "I-Love-My-Gun Act" and the "Lets-Only-Execute-Black-Inmates Act". Four totally separate things, of course.

And so the Monkey and his army went to war in the land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit. They won on the first day. The land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit didn't even know what hit them, and so went to hide in the caves with their tv dinners.

What they discovered in the land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit was not bananas however. What they found was carrots.

The monkey was not happy. The people of the land of Nod were not happy either. Where the hell was all the bananas? The monkey had told they'd find bananas there. But there wasn't any... there was carrots, but there was no bananas!

We have no bananas today...

Fortunately for the monkey, the land of Nod needed carrots. Lots of carrots. Noddians LOVE carrots. They eat them everyday! Indeed, if it wasn't for carrots, the economy of the land of Nod would have collapsed long ago.

Indeed, the people of Nod had long ago eaten up all of their carrots and there were no more. They had to buy carrots from other lands, or steal them, and the carrots were becoming a little expensive.

Every time the price of carrots went up, the people would blame the King. Of course, the monkey who was king just happened to be the son of the old King, who just happened to be a very wealthy carrot-salesman. This all just happened to be a coincidence.

And so the monkey and his people started taking the carrots from the land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit, in order to lower the price of carrots in the land of Nod. The monkey's father made a lot of money off of selling those carrots.

Meanwhile, in the land of a Completelydifferentplace, Yosemite Sam sent a telegraph saying "you noddians are such idiots stop you will never find me stop i am the fastest gun in the old west stop if you had not elected a monkey president this never would have happened stop you forced me to attack you in order to protect my carrots stop you will never get my carrots you rascally monkey stop".

The monkey of course did not understand such complicated words, but he put on his cowboy hat and his six-shooters and went out to the country to play cowboy for a couple months and prepare for his re-election campaign.

The people saw him in his cute little cowboy outfit and voted for him again, this time he won easily with no help from lawyers, but lots of help from a brand-new voting machine (buy them now while quantities last!).

The monkey took off his cowboy hat and his six-shooters and went back to the Big White Building where he ate bananas all the time. He was a good little banana-sucker.

Slurp-slurp-slurp!

And basically he did nothing but eat bananas all the time. Sometimes he would get out and wave his banana around, put on his cowboy hat and be a cute little monkey, but otherwise he just used the money of Nod to fund the war in the land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit, just so we could get plenty of carrots to eat.

Which was good for the economy, because carrots are important.

The people of Nod were a bit like donkeys or mules. Sometimes they were just plain asses. You stick a carrot in front of their nose and they immediately chase after it, because thats how greedy they are.

Carrots make you fart however, and the people of the land of Nod farted quite a bit. Their farts were so loud and hot that they were causing something known only as "Global Warming". Global warming was very complicated, and most people in the land of Nod simply didn't understand such big words.

"It's getting warmer? Kewl, I'm getting my shorts!"

What they didn't understand is that what "Global Warming" really does is make the weather really wacky. Sometimes it was very hot, or very cold, or very windy, or very rainy, or very snowy... and so as the weather got weirder and weirder, the people of the land of Nod usually looked outside the window and said "Wow! Thats the biggest hurricane I've ever seen!"

Indeed during that year they received a record number of hurricanes thanks to global warming, and the biggest one of all was Big Fat Katrina. She was a very obese and clumsy hurricane and she destroyed everything she went near.

In the land of Nod, there was a city known as Youcanleanonmes (a nice place with nice people) that was in the way of Big Fat Katrina.

But lo, something was not right in the city of Youcanleanonmes. Someone had forgotten to repair the dykes that protect the city.

Who forgot?

The monkey of course! He was so busy spending money on his war in the land of Sofarawayweveneverheardofit, that he didn't spend any money fixing the dykes that protect the city of Youcanleanonmes.

So what happened? Can you guess? Well the dykes broke formation and ran away, and the city of Youcanleanonmes was destroyed under Big Fat Katrina's big fat ass of water that followed her wherever she went...

Whoops.

The monkey went to Youcanleanonmes to see what had happened. He was so scared of the people in the city that he flew over the city but never actually landed.

Because of this disaster the monkey ended up having to spend even more money to fix the problem, when he could have avoided the problem by fixing the dykes in the first place.

But the other major problem was just beginning. The city of Youcanleanonmes was a major distribution port for carrots. The carrots had to go through Youcanleanonmes to be washed before they can be sold.

Thus there was suddenly a shortage of carrots in the land of Nod. The price of carrots jumped from 50 cents per carrot to over $2.00 per carrot in some places. Some places were less, some were more.

And you have to feed the donkey otherwise it won't go anywhere!

Dumbass!

Eventually they fixed the carrot-cleaning machines, but for a period of time the people of the land of Nod were starting to panic.

You see, the people of the land of Nod are addicted to carrots. They can't stop using them. They could switch to corn, or peas or even watermelons, but the people of the land of Nod don't like corn or peas or even watermelons. They want CARROTS!

Carrot pie, carrot juice, carrot muffins, carrot cake, carrot pizza, carrot chips, carrot soda pop!

And when the monkey's mistake got in the way of their carrot addiction, people started saying "Omigod! We elected a monkey! Again!!!"

It just makes you wonder, who's the real dumbass? The monkey? Or the people who elected him?


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