We Want Your Money

By Suzanne MacNevin - December 2007.

Telemarketers want your money. That is the end result of all of their calls.

It is relentless too. No matter how many times you hang up the phone, ask them to take you off their list or threaten a lawsuit for invasion of privacy they end up phoning you again with the same stupid products.

I've tried pretending not to speak English.

I've told them off and spoken to their supervisor.

I've told them "Go get a real job!"

Eventually I decided to simply pull the plug and switch to a cell phone completely. I still get the occasional telemarketer, but then the answer is simple: "This is cell phone, fuck off."

Some people always screen their calls using call display and don't answer if they don't recognize the number.

Some people don't even answer their phones but screen all calls using an answering machine. (This really annoys your friends however.)

Some people get unlisted numbers, but that does not work.

Some people even buy a device called "EZ Hang Up". As soon as you realize you have a telemarketer just press the button, hang up the phone, while the telemarketer listens to a recording informing them that their call is unwelcome.

Some people even buy an expensive device called a "Telezapper" which screens out the computerized dial tone used by telemarketers. It also screens out pollsters and charities.

There has been a lot of talk in Canada of creating a National Do Not Call Service service, but there are some problems: There are no laws guaranteeing that telemarketers won't use those numbers anyway and no penalties even if they do. The service is easily ignored when there isn't any penalties or laws to back it up.

There are some tips for pissing off telemarketers however:

Say "Hold On Please", set down the phone and walk away.

If you get a machine calling you try pressing #, 6 or 7 repeatedly. The computer will think you are a modem or a fax machine and remove your number from their list.

Don't say yes. If you do end up in a conversation with a telemarketer never use the word yes. Use words like maybe, possibly, I don't know, etc.

Don't hang up, pretend to be hard of hearing. Make them repeat everything they say at least 3 or 4 times by saying "Pardon, I didn't hear that. Could you talk more slowly?"

Hanging up as you may have figured out doesn't work. They will just keep calling anyway.

Telemarketing works because eventually they find connect someone stupid or gullible that has a need or want with a product they may or may not actually need, want or use. The trick is that telemarketers are extremely cost sensitive. They need to complete as many calls as quickly as possible until one of their victims becomes a sale. So the longer you aggravate them or waste their time the more likely they are not to make any sales.

So the best solutions some times is to simply waste their time, but without giving them any of your info. Consume their time as long as possible but without acting like you're annoying them.

ie. "Just a second I need to put the dog out." and then walk away for 5 minutes.

Or: "My pasta is burning."

"My pizza is here."

Anything to get you off the phone and keep them hanging on the line.

The more money of their that you can waste the more likely their company will become economically unprofitable and unable to pay their employees.

Eventually the privacy laws need to catch up with the technology and the economics of the situation will fall apart. Perhaps the most important thing to do is to pressure politicians to finally create laws against telemarketing.