Double Standard Sexuality
The Sex eZine - Relationships


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Problems with Relationships

By Suzanne MacNevin

Intimacy Problems:

Example #1: When a girl says she "needs" the guy she is dating, and tells him "I love you! I need you!", and then the guy dumps the girl later, we all assume the guy simply has "longterm relationships issues" or he has "problems with intimacy".

Example #2: But if a guy does the same thing, in reverse, telling the girl "I love you! I need you!" we girls start thinking "Omigod! He's the psycho-stalker type!" It never even occurs to us that this is his way of trying to express his affection.

Which is exactly what the first girl was doing above. So why is it the male's fault in both cases? The guy in the first example may be thinking the exact same thing the girl did in example two: "Omigod! She/he's a needy psycho!"

I've talked to enough guys about this issue to know that they feel the same way about these issues as we women do, but in reverse. From the male perspective, the girl in example #1 really is a needy psycho. And in example #2, the guy is just trying to express his love/affection.

So its a double standard for both sexes. We both get screwed in this issue.

Cheating:

Example #3: If a girl cheats, she must therefore be a slut, right?

Example #4: But if a guy cheats, then he must be an asshole/jerk.

Note that the first is deemed to be a problem of sexuality, whereas the 2nd is just a personality flaw. Why not just say what the guy really is? THE GUY IS A SLUT and an ASSHOLE. And we can say the same thing for the girl. The circumstances may vary, but the basic idea remains the same for both sexes.

Pregnancy:

Example #5: If the girl gets pregnant because she forgot to take her pill (or possibly slept around) then the stereotype is that she "wants to get pregnant" so she can force the guy to marry her.

Example #6: But if the guy gets the girl pregnant because the condom broke (or he didn't pull out in time), he must therefore be a stupid jerk. None of that ulterior motive stuff hinging on possible marriage.

Notice how the girl is assumed to be a "sneaky, manipulative bitch", whereas the guy is excused as being simply "dumb". We assume that he doesn't have a motive for doing it, possibly on purpose.

Bisexuality / Homosexuality:

Example #7: If the girl is bisexual, the male response is "Kewl! Can we have a threesome?" If she decides that she doesn't want men anymore, deciding to "come out of the closet" she must be a "fucking dyke".

Example #8: But if the male is bisexual, the female response is "What? I'm not enough for you?!" If he decides to come out of the closet, he's suddenly "our-best-friend-who-happens-to-be-gay". We girls have a tendency to be "fag hags", but only with guys who are "completely gay".

Notice the hostility towards lesbians and male bisexuals? The male response to a lesbian is usually a hostile one, whereas the female response to a bisexual male is one of insecurity and self-doubt. The male response to a bisexual female is considerably more supportive (and indeed wants to join in, aiming for the ultimate male fantasy of "two girls at the same time"). Strange that females aren't so eager to have "two men at the same time". The "fag hag" phenomenon is very supportive, but is a strong contrast from the self-doubt/hostility towards bisexual men (who are assumed to be sluts that will sleep with anything).

Special Note: There is also the possibility of girl/girl and guy/guy double standards, but I am not going to get into those because those are outside the realm of "stereotypes". You'll note that I've only been using the stereotypical responses, and not some more individualized responses.

Erectile Difficulty / Frigidness:

Example #9: If the guy can't get it up, something must be wrong with him. Is he gay? Is she not attractive enough? Whats wrong with this loser?

Example #10: If the girl is frigid, she's a "stuck-up-cold-blooded-bitch" who "always has a headache".

So the guy is a loser, whereas the girl is a mean-spirited bitch? The first being a physical problem, whereas the latter is an interpersonal one. In reality the guy simply may have a headache, need to take a piss, or maybe he's simply getting old or is not in the mood. Anxiety over work, over money, over whatever is probably the same issues that bother both males and females. As usual, we humans are quick to assume things and jump to false conclusions.

Listening / Forgetting:

Example #11: If a guy didn't hear something (or forgot it), he's an insensitive jerk who doesn't care about you.

Example #12: If a girl didn't hear something (or forgot it), she's a brainless twit.

Scientifically, men and women are equally smart, and equally as likely to not hear something or even forget something. Too often people assume that the male in the relationship is smarter, and therefore if he forgets something or didn't hear it in the first place it must be because he's an insenstive jerk, right? Wrong. Men are equally dumb, and women are equally as insenstive. Anything to the contrary is just a stereotype.

Threesomes / Group Sex:

Example #13: If a guy wants to have a threesome, he must be a sexist pig.

Example #14: If a girl wants to have a threesome, she must be a slut.

The shortest, fastest answer to this one is simple: They're both sluts.

Toplessness:

Example #15: If a guy goes topless, nobody cares unless he's fat (and then people make fun of his man-titties).

Example #16: If a girl goes topless, she's a slut.

This is the result of religious prudes and conservatives. Its not so much a relationship problem, its a societal problem. Funny, because its the reverse in an art gallery. Most of the women seen in paintings at an art gallery are nude, and most of the males shown in the paintings are fully clothed.

Physical / Sexual Abuse:

Example #17: If a guy abuses the girl, he must be an asshole who deserves to be in jail with rapists and child molestors.

Example #18: But if a girl abuses the guy, she must simply be "the aggressive type".

Frankly, they both belong in jail. There is no excuse for that, male or female. Beating another person or sexually abusing them is a crime. Period. The victims in both scenarios are not "wimps" or "manic depressives", they are just people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Other Examples:

There are certainly many more out there. You will notice them sometimes and other times you won't. The point of this website is to provoke you into thinking about these issues, so that in the future you "stop and think" about what the other person is doing, and then think carefully about what you are doing.

Thinking is a virtue. Use it wisely.

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