F'ing Hilarious

Editor's Note: We've taken the liberty of avoiding jokes that are overtly sexist against women because sexist humour is based on patriarchal stereotypes and aren't really that funny. In some cases we altered jokes to make them non-sexist.

Ie. Jokes like "Q. Why do women have small feet? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink." are just plain sexist, and frankly not that funny.

Sex Jokes and Cartoons II
Sex Jokes and Cartoons III
Sex Jokes and Cartoons IV

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while you're having sex?
A. Phone her and tell her.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. So how is your marriage with Miss Right?
A. I didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. It's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest sexual athlete?
A. The person who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, they're under a buck.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captain's log.

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for assholes.

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a quickie, only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire while he was jerking off.

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an altar boy and send her to the priest.