|Sex News of 2007
The Sex eZine - Newsmakers
1. Celebrity sex tapes that go straight to DVD.
We hate to ruin porn for you, because I know it's so believable and realistic. But those girls that get "picked up on the street" or solicited for "first time" on-camera sex are working for companies that have to abide by federal record-keeping laws surrounding documentation and contractual information. But we can pretend it's never, ever a planned setup — that's cool. I'm also sure that celebrities like Paris Hilton and Colin Farrell never saw it coming and are just victims of a ruthless porn-hungry populace.
And I won't break the part to you about porn "lesbians" not ever celebrating Pride. Because I care about you, really. But this year's C-list "leaked" celebrity sex videos got traffic even if they went straight to DVD, so on 2007's scorecard of brokered "celeb" videos (thanks to Fleshbot.com's reporting support, you can find stories on many of these memes and much more on its very NSFW site):
Winner for most obvious: one-time "American Idol" finalist Jessica Sierra making sandwiches with some dude (her "leaked" video got its own Web site, jshardcore.com, on launch and had pre-publicity on TMZ). Oh no! Her career was so promising.
"Amy Fisher: Caught on Tape" wasn't as deliberately marketed as Sierra's — I can't remember whether the "Long Island Lolita" threatened legal action for real or just threatened to shoot someone in the face, but her porn dialogue and stock porn positions and posing suggest that she was the only one looking to get shot in the face when all was said and, er, done.
Kim Kardashian: If C-listers had backup dancers, Kardashian would have been a contender — until she rode the "celeb sex tape" pony. She never shot anyone in the face, that I know of, but her unforgettable, much blogged shrieking voice mail was the stuff of legend, suggesting she did not go gently into that C-list celebrity sex tape DVD night. Deliberate or not, it made her straight-to-DVD humpfest the best selling "celebrity" porn vid of the year (and it had its own pre-release Web site at kimksuperstar.com), after which she released an exercise video and landed an E! Channel reality show, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians."
2. Pussy shots: the G-shot and the HPV vaccine.
I don't care what gender or orientation you are, the much-discussed G-Shot should just make you cross your legs and cry silent tears in vaginal sympathy for all the women who sought to enhance their sex drive with — you guessed it, a dubiously effective (and dubiously safe) injection right into that place you never want to think of getting a shot. And I don't mean your eye, snarky-pants. It's most discomforting to see that vaginal surgery continues to grow in popularity. Girls, don't cut the ladybits if you want them to work, m'kay? But, a magic shot for pussies one way or another was on everyone's RSS this year: The G-Shot, driven by vaginal cosmetic hyperbole proponents, and the still controversial and endlessly Internetted, yet hopeful HPV vaccine. Sure, there's Caverject (shudder), but I think the only P-Shot I'll be seeing will be served off some queen's hotpants at Trannyshack, if you know what I mean.
3. "Two girls, one cup."
Do not Google this. Do not think about this. Everyone blogged it, and it became the new "tubgirl" and goatse all in one disgusting moment of choco-poo-love, spawning (ugh) parody videos, animated reactions, and even a mention on VH1. Can be substituted for Trimspa as a means to curb hunger for the rest of your life.
The two girls start licking each others chests, followed by one of the girls filling a pint glass with her own feces. The movie goes on to show BOTH girls licking and sucking at the contents of the cup. Later, one girl has a fine specimen that she squirts out of her mouth a few times before swallowing. THEN the girls start pulling the trigger and puking in each others mouths!
4. Geek Squad grossness.
"Peeping geeks" sounds like something I'd be really into, except that this year the people from Best Buy's tech-assist department proved themselves to be a bunch of techtards too lame to get their porn online via Fleshbot.com or torrent like everyone else, and did some majorly douchey things to women in real life.
In April, a Geek Squad dingleberry was arrested and sued for leaving his phone camera on "record" while a client's 22-year-old daughter was showering when he was supposed to be working on her computer during a house call — then, making a case for vigilante justice, allegedly did the same trick with his phone in the bedroom of the woman's 13-year-old sister. Ew. But wait — then tech blog Consumerist caught Best Buy employees stealing porn off customer's computers, even conspiring to steal explicit content from tech-unsavvy porn performer Jasmine Grey's hard drive. Consumerist reported that Geek Squadders scoured her network for porn and passed her images around to team members and management. The plotting was only fully discovered when she died in a car crash days later, and one employee felt remorse.
5. Some BDSM dot-com bought some building.
Did anyone hear about this? I know, it was easy to miss. Except that all of a sudden it was like the whole teensy bubble of mainstream media suddenly heard of consensual, above-board BDSM dot-coms, and that they did normal things like move into bigger digs. When Kink.com bought the Mission Armory, it was like the rubber bullet heard 'round the world, and many MSM news weenies had the bestest non-story of the year.
6. Republican tease and denial hotness:
Haggard, Vitter and Craig. Gay tap- dancing came back in style, and public sex was ruined for everyone for the rest of our natural lives when Sen. Larry Craig got busted for using 30-year-old cruising code in an airport restroom — though the best part was watching TV anchors freakishly "re-enact" the scene, most notably with a woman holding a literal wall of figurative heterosexuality between the ABC-TV pundits caught in the homoerotic headlights like desperate het deer. The Republican Craig survived allegations about coke and young male pages in 1982; he called Bill Clinton, "a nasty, bad, naughty boy," he is anti-gay marriage, won't back gay hate crime bills and the LGBT Human Rights Campaign gave him a rating of zero. Republican Sen. David Vitter loves the ladies (especially when he pays them to do, um, things), he loves abstinence education almost more than the statute of limitations, and hates same-sex unions so much he compares them to Hurricane Katrina. Still a popular meme this year: Former preacher Ted Haggard, um, really wanted to help homos find the light (or fountain) of his own personal Jesus so much he actually visited gay bars to do outreach. Then in fall 2006, like the others in this year's sexual hypocrisy shortlist, got waaay caught. All of which proves that the fine men in assless chaps at Folsom have nothing on these high-placed anti-sex pundits who clearly have the art of tease-and-denial down. We really have a lot to learn here in San Francisco from these very sophisticated, if sloppy, pervs.
7. Wal-Mart wanker rolls back prices on everything he touches.
This is one of many reasons I'm glad we don't have a Wal-Mart in San Francisco, except that if I were really crafty, I could pay iJustine to shop the — well, pretty much any — aisle and catch Mr. Blue Light Special with his pants around his ankles and his right hand looking for discounts, and crank up my Web site's traffic stats. Truly, he may be saying "f- you" to corporate America on the most basic of levels, but the many videos of his, er, excellent Wal-Mart jack-off adventures (which you can find at boinkology.com) became even more unsettling for me when I thought I saw someone's grandma shopping for socks in the background.
8. Crime and punishment memes.
Teens who photographed their own sex acts busted for child porn; Substitute teacher Julie Amero faces up to 40 years prison time for porn pop-ups (this is why schools need savvy tech departments); Guy attempts sex with a fence; Woman gets kicked off plane for miniskirt; And Mr. "Girls Gone Wild," Joe Francis, is still in jail.
9. The hand job machine: hard with a vengeance.
It's not a new sex meme by any means, but every year blogs act like they've never seen the Frankensteinian monster of male masturbation sex toys that is pretty much a mashup of a Kitchen Aid mixer (setting: "pummel") and a ... disembodied hand. But what made it the most viral year yet for this toy was the demo video (it's the first result at Fleshbot.com if you enter "hand job machine" into the search bar) that burned through the blogs (sex and otherwise) — most notably for starring a naughty French (Japanese) maid and a hillbilly in a pink unitard.
10. Booby-trapped Japanese dental school dummies.
The "Simroid" certainly wasn't popular for her name (or its unappetizing rhyming connotations), though it was totally pervily Internet famous for being an extremely life-like dental school model, in female form. But what got her passed around the Internets like a cheap bottle of mouthwash were the warning sensors thoughtfully placed in her breasts, ostensibly to avoid improper conduct. Leaving the rest of us wondering where else she had sensors, and if there are any male dummies in need of, ahem, root canals.
11. Deborah Jeane Palfrey, a.k.a. the D.C. Madam
Accused of running an elite prostitution ring in Washington, D.C, released the phone records of her client list which included Randall Tobias, Senator David Vitter, Harlan K. Ullman and other very prominent (and very married) government officials who were allegedly cheating on their wives.
12. Presidential Candidates, Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs
The infidelity experiences and opinions of presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, and John McCain, and presidential hopeful, Newt Gingrich provided the media with a steady supply of material for news stories in 2007.
13. NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak
A married mother of three, charged with the attempted murder of her romantic rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut, sparked nationwide discussions on workplace affairs and workplace romance.
14. San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom’s public apology
Apologized for having an affair with his former appointments secretary, the wife of his good friend and campaign manager.
15. iVillage / MSNBC’s Lust, Love and Loyalty survey
Survey revealed that nearly 1 in 4 married adults has cheated on their spouse, that 75% of affair partners are friends and co-workers, and that less than 30% of cheaters get caught.
16. Summer Infidelity Awareness Campaign
Organized by infidelity expert Ruth Houston, founder of InfidelityAdvice.com, which focused national attention on the increase in infidelity during the summer months, the 3 types of men who have summer affairs, and exposed the tactics used by cheating men to conceal their summer affairs.
17. The Woman’s Day / AOL poll
Discovered that 84% of wives would want to be told if their spouses are cheating, and 31% suspected, but were unable to prove that their husbands were cheating.
18. Senator Larry Craig’s arrest
Arrested for his attempts at same-sex infidelity by allegedly trying to initiate sexual encounters with men in a public restroom at a Minneapolis airport.
19. Leroy Greer’s $1 million lawsuit
Sued 1-800-Flowers for exposing his infidelity, when their thank-you note to him for the $100 in roses he sent his mistress was intercepted by his wife.
20. Foxy Female Ronald McDonald
A gender-bending makeover of McDonald's marketing icon in Japan has been hailed a great success after capturing the public imagination and enticing adults back into its outlets to sample a revamped menu. In the Japanese TV commercial the foxy female version, with shoulder-length straight auburn hair in place of Ronald's frizzy mop, smoulders at the camera in a flowing yellow dress, and later a red and white striped bikini with thigh-length leggings and red high heels.
21. Dina Matos McGreevey’s book Silent Partner
She maintains that she was an unsuspecting victim of same-sex infidelity, because like most wives of gay married men, she had no idea of ex-husband James McGreevey’s true sexual orientation.